remove;

[northsea]

i'm writing from the floor of my bedroom, surrounded by papers & books & art supplies. i am moving house this week, and deep within the long slow process of sorting and boxing and collapsing, condensing my life down into simple, moveable blocks.

and i came across a letter to my oldest friend, j., started and unfinished more than two years ago. always easily distracted, i let my eye glance across the page; it rested on a particular passage, and i stopped still and stared. the way that these things find us, exactly when we need them.



'i think that just seeing what happens between yourself and v. is probably the best plan. i'm a great believer in letting things take their own course, in trying to define things as little as possible. i think that truth, & true feeling, thrives best when free of labels: giving things the space to be whatever they will be is one of the wisest acts imaginable. [...] the most important thing is to be open & honest with each other - no expectations, no obligations, no definitions. and it is so fun & free to live that way!! if i were you, i'd enjoy this moment of intimacy with v. on its most instantaneous level: no future, no past: just here & now & the two of you, glad to be there. the eternal now!! things will fall into place of their own accord - in their own time. (this is the hardest thing to deal with: humans are impatient, hungry creatures: we want to KNOW, & we want it NOW, & we claw & pick & push for knowledge, for meaning, for something absolute to which we can cling. i try every day to let go of this need.) to be happy is the most important thing - to be happy, & to hurt nobody else. aside from that, what is there? so enjoy it, enjoy it! - because life is the briefest spark of warmth inbetween two darknesses, & all that we can do is reach blindly towards each other, to know one another; to strengthen the flame, to love, to seek comfort, to stave off the darkness, to create our own light. grasp it, & hold it! because life is the loneliest thing, & also the most beautiful, & all we have is ours to share!'

Comments

[corbenfrost]

That is incredibly eloquent and lyrical. But it's hard to live love without expectations. I suspect it's the hardest thing to do. Abstract expectations though they may be, you can't help but dream of a finer world when you find love.

By nature, I'm terribly curious and inquisitive, to the point of impropriety more often then not. That's just to say that I'm already sorry for asking but is something up with your boyfriend because of your move?

[northsea]

oh, the move is something quite different (a bad neighbour situation has sort of forced us out of our home, and it's all been quite rushed and stressful). basically, it's been a difficult year for me; but i'm learning things all the time. new things, and (mostly) things i used to know but somehow forgot along the way. learning how to be a better person, i guess!

(& i see what you mean re. my comments page! not intentional - i'll have to spend some time fixing it when i'm all settled in my new house.)

[likerain]

"the way that these things find us, exactly when we need them."

yes. &this, so absolutely perfect for you, from you, right now.

examples of the Universe at work, like this, make me so happy.

[northsea]

yes. exactly. so perfect, isn't it? i was starting to wonder why i never finished & sent the letter, when i'd poured so much thought & hopeful wisdom into it... a part of me wonders if i wasn't in some way writing to a future self. setting these things down for reference later. and so i couldn't let the words go! (but finding it now, like this, was just the most unbelievable stroke of luck.)

xxxxx